...they can borrow my extension if they like...

Oh dear, anyone would think we were talking about an unprincipled thug, with a history of temper tantrums, foul and abusive language toward anyone and everybody, a complete disregard for the people who pay his wages (that's the fans, by the way, not the Glazers), and a history of poor life decisions.

Unless Rooney has started running with a comedy-music-hall, cheeky-chappie swagger where his elbows come up and out sideways, he had no other intention in mind when he did this. Does the answer lie in the matey way Clattenburg puts his arm round Rooney when he explains his (in)decision?

Anyone who knows me well, will know I don't now, and never have, supported capital punishment. But I'd happily pay to see this one staged - BOGOF and they can do his 'man of the common people' manager at the same time.

This idle technology's going to kill me...

So, there I am. Creeping over 14st (89kg, for those of you born after 1966) for the first time. Limited exercise since the neck problem - not that I was a gym member before, but you know what I mean. All leading to lots of clothes not fitting, and those finely chiselled cheekbones disappearing behind chubby cheeks and jowls.

Got Nintendo Wii a couple of years ago, but a dislike of being spoken down to by a disembodied ...erm..speech bubble meant I twagged off using Wii Fit. Next move is to get Xbox Kinect and Kinect Sports, and I have to say. it's a great deal of fun, more involving, and a lot more intuitive for grown-ups and kids. Yes, I do realise I fit both descriptions, thanks.

What happens? I manage to tear a calf muscle whilst running 400 metres - whilst standing still - the ultimate degradation and humiliation for a middle-aged man. At least I'm not wearing lycra or motorcycle leathers though.

Apps for the foetus next?

Astonishingly, I've just received an e-mail from the BBC (Well, BBC Magazines), advertising My First App, with Teletubbies (I know, I know) "..Designed for iPhone, iPad & iTouch". Just read that sentence again.

Please let me know if your toddler has access to one of these products, and I will send you, gratis, a small e-mail that tells you exactly where you've stepped over the line when it comes to abuse of parenting.

And the Beeb should be ashamed of itself - do the people who produce programmes for BBC3 also work for BBC Magazines??

Big Society funded by Football?

Why, when football clubs spend obscene amounts of money in transfer windows - £225 million spent by Premier League clubs alone this January - is the treasury not saying "hey, relax Great British Public, some of the burden's been taken off you'?

Now, I know not all that £225 million was liable for VAT - apparently, it's only between UK clubs - but there's still a lot there. Just 2 transactions - Torres and Carroll - at the new 20% rate, generate £17 million. And what better description of a luxury item, unnecessary for everyday life, than a footballer, for gods' sake? Yet Russian Oligarchs pay the same rate of VAT as you or I pay for clothes - and, by the way, why are childrens' clothes essential items and free of VAT, and my clothes are luxury items? Trust me, wandering around naked would convince you that clothes to cover my body are essential items!

I digressed - I do that - but you just know, don't you, that that VAT is being lost somewhere in other claims, and counter claims, probably to do with the magic words 'football in the community'. And so teams continue to throw money around, footballers can forget they had bought Porsches, and kids will have to travel further to borrow books.

It's a funny old game, Saint...

A simple ethos

These pages will enable me to bleat on to anyone who is interested (just the wife and next door's dog, then), without my having to bleat on and preach on Facebook, and piss of all our friends and family members with my lefty, liberal, pinko views. Now we're back, seemingly, in the 'good old days' of Tory government keeping the oiks in their place, there will be regular items about politics, as they seem to find a new way to boil my blood almost daily.

There'll also be stuff about sport, and music - oh, most definitely music, since that's what has kept me sane(ish) for longer than I can remember. Longer than I've been having impure thoughts, anyway, and that's more than 40 years...

Plus, there'll be odds n' sods on here that fit the description miscellany, and there'll be a minimum of lols, pmsls, omgs and other textlish abominations, so if that floats your boat, you'll have to internally edit. Or stick to Facebook.

Stay tuned, dear readers (blogees? bloggisters? bloggeroffs?) and we'll reach apoplexia together,

Stay golden,

Steve